Wednesday, May 5, 2010

OMG i can smell my eyes burning...

so.. i had a little surgery performed late last week. they call it Lasik. i call it 'worst 10 minutes of my life.' i've always been a little (A LOT) freaked out by my eyes being touched. after 20 years of touching my own eyes at least twice a day, you'd think i'd be ready for what was coming my way, but nooooo, i was not. i decided to jump on the bandwagon and push my queasiness aside mostly because of our move over to belgium (aka socialized healthcare) and i really don't want to be bothered about trying to get contacts, etc. once i'd run out. at any rate, it was as good excuse as any.

friday morning i find myself heading to dallas. now, another great thing about Lasik, is that you can't wear make-up. so not only am i freaking out, i look like i'm stoned. great.

here is a picture of the $10 valium they prescribed to help keep me calm during the procedure. ten. dollars. seriously?

we get there and my meds are confiscated. 5 minutes later they give me my little pill back and put some drops in my eyes. 1 little pill down and 5 minutes later i find myself laying under a giant laser in a dark room. i thought the valium was supposed to help me stay calm. i'm no scientist, but i'm pretty sure it doesn't take effect after a mere 5 minutes. freak out level: orange.

i won't go into detail into all of it, but here's the worst parts. at least for me. they have to keep your eye open during the 'lasering' - i knew that part. but what i didn't know is that they suction cup your eye open. not just a little open, but like you think your "eyeball is going to pop out of your skull open", and everything kinda goes black.. and then they leave it there. THAT was the worst part. when i saw that suction cup 'thing' coming at my eye, freak out level: red (that's the highest one, right?)

the second freakiest thing was the actual lasering itself. i didn't feel anything, so it's not like it hurt, but the imagination is a wonderful and terrible thing. mine is really really active. after they cut the flaps on my eye (don't ask) and we moved over to the laser bit, the doc says - okay, now DON'T MOVE for 22 seconds. (first thing i want to do is move. move as far away as possible. but then - how far am i really going to get with this plastic cup sucking the life out of my eye anyway..? i stay put. very put.) then she says - you will now hear the laser and smell some burning; that is perfectly normal. don't move.

then i hear what sounds like a freaking dump truck start up and i smell... BURNING. i smell. my. eyes. burning. GAH!!!!

the third and final worst thing about my Lasik experience was getting through the first eye, and realizing that i had to do it all over again with the other one. i'd like to say i was more calm with eye #2, but if my doctor's comment is any indicator, i was not. it went a little something like this:

dr - did you have an epidural when you had your children?
me - yes. how can you tell?
dr - just a hunch.

i'm such a wuss.

now, the best thing about lasik (besides the obvious being able to see like normal people), is the fact that i was on doctor's orders to get as much sleep as possible... to help the healing process. i took these orders very seriously, and proceeded directly to my bed, popped in some ear plugs, and slept for a full 18 hours. it. was. amazing.

i am thankful that my husband loves me for my inner beauty, because i was NOT looking so hot that day, or the following 3 days (the no make up thing, bedhead, goggles, the red get the picture). this did not, however, keep him from laughing at me every single time he looked at me wearing my cool protective goggles. nor did it hinder him from making comments like - you look like you just cannot WAIT for your racquetball tournament tomorrow.

i don't blame him... one look in the mirror and i had to agree. all i was missing was tube socks and a wrist guard and i was good to go.

i don't write this to dissuade anyone from getting the procedure. i really am glad i got it and now i see 20/20... which is something i haven't experienced for 90% of my life. i like it. and much like childbirth, i'm sure, years down the road, i won't even remember that awful 10 minutes. fingers crossed...

i feel like i now need to post a picture of myself when i don't look like uber-dork. maybe i'm too insecure about that...


becki said...

you're adorable!

LIZZY said...

oh bexes.. i see you also love me for my inner beauty. :)

racheljenae said...

My eyes watered the whole time I read this... i might have trouble myself, but I sure want to get it done!
I can handle the eye touching and even holding open, but watering and 'don't move'... ya, not sure i could do it!

Anonymous said...

Just have yourself a little alcoholic drink and you'll be fine. :-)

ejakovljevic said...

you. are. hilarious. ...i had everyone at my work read this----funniest topic of the day !

LIZZY said...

thanks for the blog love, elissa!

and yes, anonymous, a drink would have made things much, MUCH better.

Anonymous said...

The goggles were better than a couple pairs of glasses you had growing up! Thanks for sharing-I felt like I was there- but with an epidural.